MY REFLECTIONS FROM INTRO TUTORIALS (SAT 5 NOV):
When asked to mark on screen how I was feeling abt TU812 (on a linear scale of happy-face to sad-face) I wanted to put mark nearer to sad face bcs I feel daunted by TU812 & undertaking this study. So many other marks were being made on screen by fellow students closer towards the happy face or that side of the middle-marker. So I didn’t even feel strong enough to mark the screen honestly abt what I was feeling (I ended up putting my mark just to the sad-face side of the middle-marker). Why did I do that? Afraid even of putting an anonymous mark on a screen.
Then watching the recording of Thursday night’s intro tutorial (which I hadn’t attended live) a different metaphor (or group of metaphors) was introduced – lots of different icons or picture which may indicate how one feels abt studying TU812, ranging from someone scaling a TU812 mountain, to being stuck on a desert island circled by a TU812 shark, to being chased by a ravenous-looking TU812 tiger, to meditating balanced on top of a TU812 yin-yang symbol, etc.
The question posed was “Which one is you in relation to TU812?” My immediate reaction was the yin-yang bcs I feel it fairly reflects my desire that this module (indeed, my whole practice of systems/STiP) be abt taking my career (myself?) towards harmony and away from discord. And also towards greater efficiency of purpose and action, as expressed by that sense of harmony.
Which is obviously a pretty big contradiction compared to how I was feeling based on the linear happy-to-sad scale of just one hour earlier. And I find that an interesting thing to observe. Here’s what comes up for me as I observe that:
- I’d had a bust-up with my dad just before the first tutorial started which left me feeling sad, upset and above-all disempowered. While I had (or so I thought) put that feeling aside to join the tutorial, perhaps the emotion and the feeling lingered more than I realised and affected my mood & how I chose to represent myself. Yes, I have to accept it: my emotional state can affect my experience (and hence, by extension, my performance). This is something I should be more aware of. I should develop ways to effectively guard against negative thoughts and self-talk – talking myself down and belittling myself – which has a knock-on effect on my ability to perform to my best.
- Group-think and social pressure to conform is definitely present for me. I don’t feel confident to speak my truth. I am clearly going to have to steal myself here & be more courageous. I wonder to what extent others might also be experiencing that? I’ve certainly seen this in action in the workplace before. Stronger personalities and/or ppl in higher-up positions telling others what’s going to happen, what they should think or agree to, what their opinion should be on a particular matter. “If A asks you about XYZ you should tell them ABC.” “It was a very good product/service, wasn’t it. You should tell B how good you think it is when we meet with her/him tomorrow to discuss it.” This is something I feel perhaps is not just an issue for me but a wider problem – willingness to please coupled with fear of failing/displeasing (concern over negative consequences), others’ expectation for us to conform – may all contribute to suboptimal performance in teams (communities of practice?) and be a contributing factor to systemic failure and difficulties in improving situations. This may prove a fruitful seam to mine as I go forward with my studies.
- The question that was asked in each tutorial was a different question, and my answer (within a space of one hour of each other, about broadly the same topic) was widely different. How we frame the question definitely impacts what answer we come up with. Notably, the question in the first tutorial (appeared to) focus clearly on how I feel NOW abt STARTING study of this module (that’s how I interpreted it) which led me to a negative response. While the question in the 2nd tutorial (appeared to) focus on the FUTURE, on my RELATIONSHIP with the module, which I interpreted to mean in a broader sense (over longer time frame), which lead me to a more positive response.
- Also, in relation to 3 above, the number of options provided seems to have had an impact. Being offered a stark, relatively binary happy-sad continuum seemed to narrow down my response. Whereas the second tutorial provided multiple options which perhaps helped to broaden out my own mind/approach to how I viewed the problem or situation, so leading to a more positive response. [Another thought added later: perhaps the icons/pictures also helped to engage a different part of the brain which also opened me up to more creative, imaginative side, which led to a more positive & optimistic response?] These observations are anecdotal but would be interesting to explore further as time allows.
- The variety of different responses among my fellow students is also interesting to note – we are all unique in how we view this same situation we find ourselves in. I expect this to be a recurring theme both on the course and in going back to examine my experiences in my own personal context.
Another observation (made later in the day): I was going to spend a good solid day going through exercises in the Study Guide & blogging them (or at least beginning to do this). But got waylaid by tutorial attendance & subsequent review of second (recorded) tutorial, then catching up on the forums. Time slips away too quickly, as I noted in a chat-room post:
Time has an amazing ability to disappear. I suspect time management will end up being my biggest learning opportunity (something else to add to my Learning Contract!)
The above post is the first of (hopefully many) quick, real-time reflections on elements of my post-graduate study of OU module TU812 Managing Systemic Change (see all posts on this module here). The format of such reflections may often be rough and unstructured – as I try to get the thoughts down and out there quickly rather than worrying about presentation or perfection.